Lepak
Dinner with my two lovely Ludham girls at China Inn. Grand talk of dreams, plans; discussion of socio-economic policies, politics. A semi-serious-casual remark from M that rapidly gained traction in my mind. An idea that I'd been half-considering, that my dad has constantly pushing, a few friends often mentioned, and M and I previously batted about, tonight gained a sudden sense of reality. Its edges and detail brought into sharp focus by the sudden thought: "Why not?" just as I have reached the nadir of my short career thus far.
And in a way, it's great... with the grand plan in mind, I can hopefully feel a renewed sense of purpose. Keeping the greater goal and the medium term in focus. Overlooking the tedium - learning, with the intention that the learning will be applied to a more productive end. I need a sense of direction, the sense that my life is going somewhere, instead of just floundering around in this mess. Most of my life, I'd been happy to do almost anything, because I always felt I could observe and learn, and apply my knowledge eventually.
In my job, while there is scope for learning, given the ultimate meaninglessness of the work, it's difficult to feel a sense of moble purpose that would make all my effort worthwhile. The fact is, increasingly, I am not quite sure I want to languish forever in this industry.
Our after dinner talk was lively and stimulating. Dream-like, yet grounded in reality. Not just of distant ideals, but of nearer trips, plans to meet up. It actually seems possible, probable. Almost like this is not truly a farewell. Merely a conversation that is put on hold (I am always returning to this idea of friendships as conversations) when you pick up a short call on your other line.
How I loved it. This normalness - the Malaysian institution of "lepaking" at a "mamak stall" - which I find so rare and precious. I realise that I have that much of Malaysian-ness in me to like the chilling out and the post-meal BS-session. This is life.
And in a way, it's great... with the grand plan in mind, I can hopefully feel a renewed sense of purpose. Keeping the greater goal and the medium term in focus. Overlooking the tedium - learning, with the intention that the learning will be applied to a more productive end. I need a sense of direction, the sense that my life is going somewhere, instead of just floundering around in this mess. Most of my life, I'd been happy to do almost anything, because I always felt I could observe and learn, and apply my knowledge eventually.
In my job, while there is scope for learning, given the ultimate meaninglessness of the work, it's difficult to feel a sense of moble purpose that would make all my effort worthwhile. The fact is, increasingly, I am not quite sure I want to languish forever in this industry.
Our after dinner talk was lively and stimulating. Dream-like, yet grounded in reality. Not just of distant ideals, but of nearer trips, plans to meet up. It actually seems possible, probable. Almost like this is not truly a farewell. Merely a conversation that is put on hold (I am always returning to this idea of friendships as conversations) when you pick up a short call on your other line.
How I loved it. This normalness - the Malaysian institution of "lepaking" at a "mamak stall" - which I find so rare and precious. I realise that I have that much of Malaysian-ness in me to like the chilling out and the post-meal BS-session. This is life.
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